By wearing all the clothes we need for our trip on the plane, baggage claims would look like this.

Just like Joey wore everything Chandler owned in response to the former hiding the latter’s clothes, why don’t we just layer on everything we’ll need for our trip and wear that on the airplane?  For the business traveler, just stuff your pockets with toiletry items, underwear and snacks. Who cares if you repeatedly don the same skirt, pants and/or jacket?  Just explain to your employer or client that you’re saving them money.  

For vacationers, things might be a little more complicated. If you’re headed for the mountains, the layers of sweaters and long underwear might be a tad uncomfortable; however, if you’re headed to the beach, you don’t have that much to pack anyway, hence less to adorn.  In any case, make maximum use of your pockets, hats and shirt sleeves as they offer vital storage areas. 

Children are a bigger challenge.  For tots, consider using their ears as safe places for small items, which may help with the children-screaming-their-lungs-out-because-of-cabin-pressure issue.  Older children may be able to fit in a carry-on to stuff in the overhead, but you’d still likely be paying extra fees which defeats the purpose.  Or here’s a thought: leave the kids at home. By doing so, passengers have a greater chance of disembarking the aircraft without a throbbing headache. 

What am I missing with this solution?  I’ll try it if you will.

Phelps painfully learned about the power of technology.

1)    Michael Phelps – Since Michael’s public pot shot, he’s complied with the U.S. swimming sanctions and started collecting medals again.  He should stay out of hot water for awhile.

2)    Nadya Suleman – Like Tiger Woods, the Octomom’s initial news garnered public concern that ultimately left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth. Unlike Tiger, however, she went through about as many publicists as she did embryos.   Currently the Octomom is pursing a reality TV show in the UK.  Maybe Tiger should get in touch.

3)   Michael Vick – Dick’s Sporting Goods still isn’t selling his jerseys while numerous other retailers are.  With the exception of his recent performance against the Falcons, we can safely say that jersey sales are outpacing Vick’s football stats by several touchdowns.

4)   Michael Jackson – Breaking News:  Michael Jackson died.  Just when you thought everything that could have been sucked out of the top 2009 news story, a 2010 tribute was announced. He’s dead – enough already.

5)  Swine flu – If the media made as much of the need to cure cancer as they did of the Swine Flu, countless lives would be saved.  Even President Obama contributed to the level of fear with the inappropriate use of his words, as did “Say It Ain’t So Joe” Joe Biden.

6)  Kanye West – In his own selfless and giving way, Kanye West catapulted Taylor Swift in the spotlight for much more than her music.  Shortly after his antics, Taylor became the female artist with the most Top 40 singles this decade.  I hear she’s penning a new song called Rudeness is Priceless.

7)  Anita Dunn – Although her job as White House Communications Director was temporary from the beginning, I suspect she would have been gone in short order anyway.  To alienate an entire network at this point in an administration was just ill advised and a lose-lose situation.

8)   Roman Polanski - The 79-year-old can run, but he can’t hide.  The iconic director is under house arrest in Switzerland fighting an extradition order by the U.S. government. This guy epidomizes too much drama.

9)  Get a Mammo, Don’t Get a Mammo - November’s controversial announcement by a federal panel fell flat. The latest Senate health care hearings bar the feds from relying on the findings of that panel and do not include reimbursement changes for mammograms.  Remind me again, the purpose of this panel is…?

10)   Tiger Woods – The highest level fall from grace since Bill Clinton, the Tiger saga won’t end just because the year does.  Following the golfer’s collision with inanimate objects, he issued an ill-advised public statement, some major endorsements dropped him and the number of his alleged mistresses came perilously close to his golf score.  Tiger is simply the crisis that keeps on giving.  

Hope you enjoyed our 2009 update.  If you’re not already a subscriber, please consider doing so by going to the subscriber button at the top left of this page.  Or you can add our blog to your blog reader by going to www.google.com/reader.  Cheers!

So here’s a note to broadcast media: NOT EVERYTHING IS BREAKING NEWS!  There’s so much “breaking” news that’s NOT even remotely breaking that the word has lost its meaning.  “Breaking” news now just means “made you look”. Networks have diluted the term so much that it’s more like “boy cried wolf”.

We understand that ratings rule; we understand you’re meeting a need; and we understand the purpose of reruns.  But seriously, days have passed since Jackson passed, so tell us something we don’t already know.  We’ve repeatedly heard the 911 tape (were those guys polite or what?); we’ve seen the historic moonwalk, Thriller segments and baby Michael tapes until we’re blue in the face; and we’ve read the same, tired quotes about the involvement of prescription meds.  Enough already.

On a going forward basis, when networks air “Breaking News” accompanied by sounds equivalent to the shouts bringing down the walls of Jericho, they’re going to have to re-invent its meaning.  Maybe “Breaking News – This Time, We Really Mean It” or “Seriously Breaking News” or “Trust Us, This Is New Stuff”.

10)      Swine – It’s not about pigs (everybody knows the scientific reference to a “quadruple reassortant” virus); it’s about people (although some people are pigs) hygiene and cooties

Swine Flu Song – The best video clips are right here

9)        VP Joe Biden – He’s not a doctor or medical expert; he just plays one on morning talk shows.

8)        Food – Eating Mexican food is not the same as going to Mexico.  There’s no such thing as a fajita fatality.

7)         Pandemic – Not synonymous with or the same word as “epidemic” or “panic”.  Details, details.

6)        Helpful Link – To cut through the ambiguous medical jargon and political hyperbole, just visit Do I Have Swine Flu?

5)        H1N1 – Just rolls right off the tongue, doesn’t it?  Also makes you look uber smart when used in conversation.

4)        The CDC – The key word is CONTROL.  They should try to get some over public information. 

3)        The WHO – Popular rock band begun in the late 60s best known for such hits as “My Generation” and “I Can See for Miles”.

2)        To Close or Not to Close? – Do we close schools or not? Just how much havoc/panic/hysteria/disruption can be created in the lives of millions? Like breastfeeding or Brett Favre , the decision depends on the day.

And the top real fact about swine flu:

1)         Sweeps – We’re in the middle of TV ratings for goodness sakes.  On the upside, both the flu and sweeps end soon.

10) The Martyrs – They wonder why their friends ignore them. We’ll get back to you after you’ve upped your meds.

9)     The Braggers – Obsessed with the need to share, these users reveal details of their trips to Gstaad, Daytona Raceway or the new SuperTarget. Everybody knows bragging when they see it. Don’t make me hide you.

8)        The Picture People – Bless their hearts, these people actually think their friends are going to view all 427 pictures in one of their 238 different photo albums, from their 2002 Family-Only Christmas to the birth of a new farm animal.  Learn to be selective.  Besides, your visuals are taking up way too much space.

7)   The Gifters – I think so much of you that I sent you a virtual gift. It proves my virtual love for you, my virtual friend. All 786 of you.

6)   The TMIers – Thanks to these “Too Much Informationers”, we all know what they eat (sometimes we even get photos!!), when they have a zit, what their child just upchucked and what color it was.  Trust me, no one – including your real-life human friends – wants to know that much about your life.  

5)   The Philosophers – I post Status Updates, therefore I am. No, really, I am. 

4)   The Best Friends Forevers – How many confirmed users are really your friends?  If you didn’t talk to them in high school, why are you talking to them now? 

3)   The Pick Me Firsters – These are the folks who want to be the first to post breaking news.  If it weren’t for these posters, I know I would be dumber.

2)         The Quizinators – “What shade of taupe are you?”, “What type of 3/16″ metal screw are you?”, or “If you were an Excel chart, how many columns would you have?”.  How about the “If you had a life without FB quizzes, would you want to live?” quiz?  NOTE: See The Picture People regarding courteous use of space.

And the Top Face of Facebook…..

1)      The Shameless Self Promoters – I do it. You do it.  All God’s children do it. We promote our latest products, services, fundraisers, special events, etc.  If you can’t shake down your friends, who can you shake down?  Besides, we just know everyone wants to read our stuff.